This Post Fueled by Beefeater Gin and Tonic

In the case of perception, I am fully female.

I look in one mirror and I am a fat fuck. I mean, just humongous. I look like I'm a stretched out dwarf or a baseball player on an HDTV when it's not programmed correctly for widescreen.

In other mirrors, I am okay. I have more weight on me than I did 5 years ago, but it's proportionate because I am nearly 6ft tall and my fat distributes in an hourglass fashion. Which mirror is correct?

Sometimes I assume the first mirror is correct because I imagine I jiggle when I walk and The Honey is afraid I'm gonna die if I don't stop eating sugary, cheesy, greasy foods. Sometimes I imagine that the latter is true and that I look cute in my clothes that I love but that I realize are a little tighter than when I bought them.

So, would you trust a person who doesn't even know who they are when they look in the mirror? I find it hard to trust myself based on that information. I am the one that is supposed to be in control of my future. But my decision making of late is crap, not in regular life, but with my writing future. I can't see clearly what I want. It's like trying to determine which image of me is real? The one I see when I'm optimistic or the one I see the other times. The writing dream I see when I'm optimistic or the one I see the other times.

I know what I want. I want to wake up at 10am. I want to work out in the mornings. I want to come home, take a shower, relax with a cup of coffee and then I want to write until 6pm. I want to be able to take breaks and be at home with my cat and be able to greet my husband and start cooking again, start tasting foods in my head and putting them together, for better or for worse. I want to watch television at night and write about them by the morning. Then I want to go to sleep and do it all over again. I want to go to the library whenever I want to. I want to make middle of the day plans, have lunch dates, write at night too.

I don’t know how to get there. Just write is the easy answer, but is it “the” answer? I don’t know. There are a few of you who have started getting on to me about writing (or not writing) and I know you’re right, but but but...

There are things that I am changing. I hope those changes help me have a better outlook on writing. And I’m working to stop being so fat, so that there is only one image in the mirror.