Sorry for the Silence

I was working on an article that was due last week. Took a lot out of me. But now I'm better.

I've started knitting again. I decided, however, to teach myself to knit in the continental method. I was doing the English method, with is characterized by throwing the yarn (your hands move in much larger swoops) while the continental methods is characterized by picking up the yarn with your needles. The movements are much more efficient.

I mean, it will be once I figure the damn thing out. It's like learning to knit all over again. I'm not awesome at knitting, I have to watch every knit to make sure I'm doing the right thing, whether it be purling or knitting. I'm following a pattern, so you can see it if I mess up... It's completely ridiculous and completely fun.

I need another rotator thingy for my spinning wheel so I can combine to strands of yarn I've already spun. I made the strands super thin so that I could spin them together. I guess I could wind each one separately and use it as sock yarn, but I wanted to maybe put together a shawl or something for my mom. Maybe I will just make it something lacy and use the thin strands. Actually, I just want to get these strands off of my spindles so that I can work on this other yarn I've been itching to spin. It's got tinsel in it. I was thinking of doing it with some thin pieces and some thick pieces so that it would make an interesting looking scarf. I have enough to do that and I wouldn't have to worry about the strands being so thin.

When I told my mom I was spinning my own yarn, she said I was becoming the Proverbs 31 wife. I loved to cook, I had a garden, I was "making" our own clothes and some people have said I could sell my knitting, and if I'm spinning my own fiber, it would not be cost prohibitive. She doesn't think that any more, about me being a Proverbs 31 wife, even though I still do all that stuff. I think the belief in Jesus Christ as Lord has to be present for me to be that, although, technically, that was written without the concept of Christ being introduced to the readers. Also, I don't have a city gate at which I could sell my stuff.

I have a lot of work to do now that I have a rough idea of where I want my writing to go. I'm hoping I get to sit down with this other freelance writer and learn what my further options are. I also need to find a way to take classes. With The Honey going to a better, but private, college, fundage has been $0 at best, -$ at worst. Keeping up with my other website (the one I have to pay for) and taking classes to help me become a better writer is on the agenda, but is rapidly being pushed down past the top 10, even though it is what I need. I'm being positive though. If this next article is a cover story and I can pitch a couple more, I will be rapidly moving towards increasing my income, growing my writing career, and putting myself in a better position to get the further education I need.

Yay!

But the work must begin in earnest. I did neglect a few things to finish, but I didn't really put aside the unnecessary things of life this past week. I did my fair share of going out and I didn't watch enough tv for my tv blog, although I did a little catching up this weekend. I am not as tired as I usually am at this time of day, but I certainly did not want to get up and go to work today. But I do have a job that I can enjoy and that is a good thing.

Where Do I Stand?

This is a topic I've been avoiding for about 3 years now, but it is something that is becoming very important since I've been communicating with my mom much more in the past few months.

Where do I stand with God.

Frankly, I have nothing against God. I kinda like the guy. Jesus is alright too. What I don't like is religion and unfortunately, love of God has to be tied up with some kind of religion in everyone's mind.

I told my mom about my financial problems and she asked me if I've prayed. I wanted to say, Well, duh! because I'm one of those people who actually like prayer. Where it goes, I don't know. What the results of the prayers are has been me in the straits I'm in, but I've never fallen through the gaps. It's definitely not my doing, though I do work hard to keep control of the strings I have my hands on, but so much is out of my control that I feel the prayer helps.

That's my mind, though. After 10 years of loving God but following religion, I finally had to throw off the shroud of religion. When I hear my mom telling me that if I follow God's teaching and if I do what He says in His Book (that's right, capital B), then I don't have to worry about my finances.

I already knew I didn't have to worry about my finances. We are two intelligent human beings that see what we are doing wrong and right and it is only in continuing the right and quelling the wrong that we have sustained ourselves. I think prayer is a comfort for me and in my head, I have this little thought that if there IS someone (something) listening and helping, they have grown used to my voice for the last 15 years and are offering some help. But it is a comfort and a superstition I'm okay with having.

I have a few books that I want to read that let me hold on to my belief in God while giving me the out to not have to go to church. It's a relief, actually, to not have to go to church. Though there are some things that having a church family could help. If I hadn't had a church family, I would never have gotten my first car for a dollar. Support for my writing endeavors also came from my church family, despite the curse words at times, because we were in the same family.

But what I do not miss is the recriminations and the "the only way it can be done, He can be followed, is the way I say it". If I were to ask my mom which "Book" she thought I should get my wisdom of God from, she would think it sacrilege to look anywhere but the Bible yet would firmly agree that the wisdom of God is in anything wise.

I can't win, so in my family, I'm not a Christian, just to make it easier. But one day I'm going to have to sit down and figure out where I actually stand, just for me.